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So I finally got my hair cut!!!
(After *cough cough* over 2 fucking years ._____.)

Annnnnd I was all keen to post photos...
But I can't for a couple of days, since Adam has his computer with him, and the first photos I took of my new hair are on there!! I should have put them on my external hard drive or something...
I'll put them up this week though :)

In the meantime... I had to make a photo slide show for my Visual Journalism class. We had to make a 'story' slide show of a current issue/event, that could be put on like a news website or something.
I chose to take photos of the new markets that have opened at the Valley - the Laneway Markets! They are in these 3 different hidden laneways in the middle of the Valley, and they have heaps of awesome handmade stuff, vintage and retro stuff, local artists and local designers, as well as free live music (mostly indie stuff) and some wicked little quirky cafes!! I'm definitely going back there, but with more money next time!!

Here's the link to my slide show :) It only goes for a minute (that was our time limit) and the backing track is this song I found and totally fell in love with, by a band called Brad Sucks.
Here it is!

We could only use 10 photos, which really sucked! I took heaps of cool shots, and didn't get to use half of them. I might post some of the others that I didn't get to use next time I post - right now im on my really temperamental computer, so i wont bother trying right now lol.
At the markets I bought some black and white striped shorts with big buttons, and a pair of amazing bright blue overall-shorts - both of which are too SMALL for me!!!! :( I was pretty sad, and pretty weirded out considering I usually have the problem of stuff being way too BIG for me...
at least they only cost about $3 each .___.

Anyway, I have to go and get ready for uni - it's meant to be my day off, but there's a protest against the student union - the conservative LNP careerist pigs didn't tell ANYONE about the nominations for election - so basically they rigged it so they are the ONLY ones running for election this year!!! It's so disgusting...

Also, I left my USB in a computer in the journalism building again, and have to check if it's in lost property

さようなら! ♥


summer grass

Summer crept up fast with a blanket of lethargy.
There's lots to do though so I'll be battling hard (armed to the teeth with ice cubes and energy drinks I expect).

Birthday can be summed up as a mammoth feast of seafood; cool, lush dozen long-stem red roses; much needed new phone; cash; family; storm; and the smell of cards and lillies. I couldn't think of a better way to have spent the day!

Who wants to commish me, for no fee, for some art, as a Christmas gift?

I only panic when there's nothing to do

It's been a long time.

Two months in fact. And that feels like a really long time to me.

Last post, I promised to post here when the first zine came out. Two zines later and now the whole thing is up in the air because of some scumbags who never paid up for advertising. I guess it's not at the top of my list of priorities right at this moment, but it's still in the back of my mind and I can't wait for us to get another issue out. If anyone is interested, i still have a few copies, and there may still be some of the last issue floating around the likes of rocking horse, off ya tree, underworld realm, the step inn, 299, rosies, the jubilee hotel, or any other alternative store or club you can think of around Brisbane.

A week from today I will have finished my first year of uni!! It's unbelievable, I don't know where the last year has gone.... until  think back and realise I was on the other side of the world this time last year (depressing that it is already a whole year ago), and then all the memories of coming back home, summer days and hanging out, old friends and break ups, arguments and not knowing where I stand, starting uni and making new friends, partying hard and meeting people, being able to walk into one of the pubs and know there would be someone I know there, stupid relationships, starting writing for the zine, winter and old friends again, gigs and shows, the group of friends dispersing, uni work, and over the last three months, finding this immense sense of peace and love in the middle of it all.

Well I better stop  procrastinating and get back to work.


I'm in uni.
Shaking off the sleepy cobwebs from staying up late to write an essay.
Killing time before a tutorial.
Psyching myself up for the possibility of doing two oral presentations today.

Everything has been going remarkably well, and I keep finding myself closing my eyes and expecting to open them and it all to have been a dream.

I have been super busy, but it's been good. The zine comes out very soon - it's meant to be this week but there was a family crisis for one of the people who do the layout and it was pushed back. I will post here when it is available and where.

Uni is a rollercoaster. Hectic then lull. I'm waiting for a lull.

And the parties have been great. Apart from that one time when it was jocks. And that one time you were at the club.
my favourite photo of you is the one where you're bleeding.

maybe because it reminds me you're human.

the pain in my head.

It's finally got me.

After months, I'd say, of fighting it off, of feeling just about on the brink of falling into its icy grasp...

It's finally caught up with me.

Fuckin flu :(

Of course, right when it's finals :P

Halfway to finishing my assessment though, the end is indeed in sight.

Just been taking pleasure in little things. Watching skins. Repeatedly. Listening to music. Have been trying to watch good films, but I haven't found a really decent one in a while now... I'll have to keep on the lookout. Any suggestions guys?

Everything hurts and I feel gross. Wallowing in self-pity makes me miss people. Makes me wonder what I want. Also, there is no point in this journal, so I don't know why I keep it!! wtf.... Honesty is so difficult! It's so easy to look like the villain... FUCK. brandy is good. Tea is excellent. Tea and coffee. Winter is nice but I get cold so easily. I hate being sick. It's a waste of time. I want to curl up and watch comedy series and drama series. My head feels like a balloon filled with glue.

I get to go and see a hardcore band called Earth Crisis in a week (I BETTER BE BETTER.) I am anticipating an epic mosh. I haven't been in a good mosh in a long while. Maybe this is what I need! (not in regards to the cold). Yeah! RELEASE!
Massive exam next day though.

I went to hand in an assignment yesterday afternoon. Got to uni at 5 something and it was getting dark and freezing. The assignment place was closed, so it means it was marked as late anyway. I should have just brought it home again, used the extra time to make it better, hand it in today. I got distracted by some guy asking if I'd seen a silver pen. Man, I hate that I always think people think I'm guilty of stealing shit. Like when I wear a hoodie in a shop. Anyway. Was going to go and study while I was there but by this stage was feeling really sick and sneezing and freezing. I jumped back on my first bus, got off, and had just missed the second one. But there was one in a while. I'd have to wait like, half an hour. Fuck. It was so cold. And at Eight Mile Plains bus stop, at the end of the busway, it is quite miserable and lonely. The bus didn't come. I sat and froze more. I called my Mum but my phone broke. 20 minutes later the bus rocked up. Fuck. I'd spent almost an hour at Eight Mile Plains. Called from a pay phone and paced around in the cold til I got picked up. What a waste of time and money and effort and what a hideous day.

Bet you thought I'd never change my icons, huh.
Anyone who recognises who it is, don't judge me. I enjoy the combination of cigarette, milkshake and sunglasses, and no I didn't seek it out LOL.

Anyone wanna sing for a shitty punk band?



I'm sitting in the music library at UQ, waiting for a lecture.
Getting books. Y'know.

I love my music subjects to death. I want to have their babies.. o_O

But I have to say
I hate my Reporting topic.
It's about science. Ew. Science. I hate reporting.

Tomorrow night shall be sSIIIIIIIIiiiIiIICK. Adam and Luke's band. WOO. Pity I is still poor.
Sooooon my pretties, soon.

I have to go hire these books and get the my lecture. Then it's HOOOOMMME FREE.

Fuckin.. pretty sick of public transport though, right?

she moves in her own way.

To be honest, I'm not really sure what I feel toward some of it these days. I've cried, it hurt so much. And somehow now I seem to have picked myself up. I do not feel it anymore. I don't know what changed. Maybe I don't know how to try anymore. Maybe I think there is no hope of it going back to the way it was. Maybe, for once, I have let go. Maybe, for once, I have realised that this is a pretty clean break. Things won't go back this time around. I'm not sure. I'm almost anticipating a complete disintegration of this composure I seem to have. Suddenly, maybe, I'll just crash down, weak and meek and dependant. Maybe not.

Finally perhaps, this is me standing on my own two feet.
No, too easy, too simple. Maybe it's just someone else is there to fall back on right now.
But you know, in a way I have faith in myself because of this. I can handle this. I am handling this.

I don't really know what happened there. I have theories and I hear rumours. I hear the opinions and observations of others. All I get is some charade. I can't seem to get through that, I can't seem to get to you anymore. When did that happen? Well, I can pin point the beginning. I still don't regret it somehow. In retrospect, maybe I should. I regret the outcome, i resent the backlash. But I don't regret my actions. And you know what, maybe you'll never forgive me for thinking I'm not wrong. I really hope that isn't the case, the situation was not about right and wrong. It was about emotions, it was about feelings, it was about possessiveness and protectiveness and egos.

Who are you?

Really, I do care. But I'm letting this go for a while. I'm just going to let this slip away from me, I'm not going to persue and I'm not going to break down again. I have new chapters opening in all sorts of directions. It seems your new chapters are writing you as a character I might not want to follow. Sure it's distressing, but I don't want to try anymore, I don't think I'm helping. I'm just going to sit back, let the cards fall where they may.

It's like a lifetime since those days.
Things always change. People always shift.

I hope it isn't as bad as it feels though, really. I really hope we pull through this like we have with everything else. Because really, what is there between you and me that is preventing any kind of a resemblance of an us?


I'ts cold. Today you walked in and brought with you a cloud of gloom. I wasn't expecting it. But I realised how absolutely dead my emotions are toward you. My soul is a corpse to you now. You can touch my skin and I do not feel a thing. You can speak in my ear, and I cannot hear a sound. You are in another dimension, I cannot compute your existence. I have nothing left to feel for you.
It was a feeling of almost soaring freedom. It would have been soaring if I didn't feel so flat myself. Maybe it was just a sort of sigh of relief instead. A little smile at the recognition of severed ties. The proof of the end of emotional turmoil. I do honestly wish it was the same for you.

But don't think everything comes easy to me. I know how you feel to a certain extent. I have actually been there, in a way. Though you wouldn't want to believe it. I drove away down that rainy street one early morning, with tears blurring the last views I got of the city, looking out the back window, knowing that I would never be back there. I will never be back there. I lay in an empty bed, reaching out for someone that wasn't there. I lay there with my whole body aching and burning like it never had before and never has since.
I lay there with silent tears, unable to breathe with longing. I have been unable to stand, overcome with despair, trying desperately and in vain to gain composure and control, after months without closure. I have, to a certain extent, been there.


It's funny, I started out telling you not to scare me. Now I don't want to scare you.
I'm definitely scaring myself, and it feels pretty fantastic.
You aren't like anyone else I know, that's for sure. And by the way, you have something of mine, but that's ok, you can keep it for now... Just don't say you have all of it because no one does.


Did this post sound down? Did this sound negative? I didn't intend it to. I'm feeling really good right now. I'm living my life well, I am seizing opportunities, and good things are coming my way. I am being brave and I am learning always. I am meeting amazing people, I am living the dream I just need to remember not to apologise for who I am quite so much. I don't want to slip back into that habit. At the same time, I want to better learn from the real mistakes I make.

Good night.
I went and saw the boat that rocked today and loved it. It was such a feel-good movie, and not the shit kind. And I would marry Carl (Tom Sturridge's character) right this second if I could. :3

Am swimming in new music tonight too ♥ and stuff I haven't heard in ages.

Brushed the dreads out again tonight too.... they'll soon be back though...

So sleeeeeepy and hungry, I'm off for tea and toast!


dancing to be free

My neccckkkkk huuurrrrtttsssss.

Last night was another great night, and one not filled with any dramas at all. In fact, being the person who was the unspoken 'organiser' of the night, it couldn't have really gone much better.

Apart from having spent $80 and having no money left, and everyone being poor, and cover charges being steep, and a fucked up taxi driver, and slightly annoying males, the whole night was really damn rad!! :D

I love being a part of the nightlife. I remember when I first went into the valley at night just with Shane, I must have been about 14 and we went to some little place in Chinatown and played pool and drank Chinese beer and although I couldn't get in anywhere else, walking around there gave me this buzz, just seeing all these people out, being amongst them, everyone drunk and loud and happy pumped for a good night. I wanted so much to join these people. At the time, I looked up to all the people a lot more than I do now of course, and I don't get that giddy childish high from being out there, but it's still the buzz. And now I can be a part of it, and see what's inside those doors I could only catch glimpses through. Once when I was about 15 I walked past Gilhooley's in the city on the way to the Botanic Gardens with Mark, and I made some comment in passing like, "I can't wait to be able to go into pubs and stuff." And he just said to me, "it's over-rated." And I have to say that although sometimes it can be, I have so much fun going into these places, sharing good times with people I love, sharing good times with people I've just met, passing drinks around and putting everything negative out of my world for a while. It's not for everyone, but I love these times.

I had so much fun dancing at club 299 last night. They play the kind of music I definitely want to hear when I'm out having a good time. Not necessarily 'good' music, just shit you can sing along to. Shit you wouldn't usually admit you like - guilty pleasures, stuff you can dance and sing to without scorn from mates when you're all pissed and having a good time. I'm not a 'dancing' type. Well, at least, I never thought of myself as that. (I got told by someone I'd just met last night that I didn't seem to be the dancing type, too...) But I had so much fun dancing to this stuff, the good shit, the kind of music I ACTUALLY LISTEN TO, as opposed to top 40 R&B and mainstream techno...

It was strangely nice to see the sunrise in the taxi on the way home. Even nicer to finally crash into my bed for a few hours before going to the pub with the family today...
Getting to be closer with my brother than I have been in years is so nice. He came out with us last night, and it was just the perfect group to go party with.

Despite the sore neck and back from my headbanging and the extreme tired-ness, I am feeling so goddamn content. I feel like a big fat cat lying in the sun after eating. For some reason, cats lying in the sun are the epitome of contentedness for me. ^_________^

I'm going to nap, like a cat in the sun.

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September 2010


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